Current mood:	crushed
Current music:	"A Different Kind of Pain" by Cold

Blown in by the wind, carries the clouds to high, my wish on a fallen star....
Well shit. Fuck myself over for trying. For seeing that maybe, just maybe there was something for me to hold on to. That's it. I made my ultimatum...and that's it. Someone up there is trying to tell me something, and hell if I understand it.



Shikamaru knocked on her door, louder than usual. He pulled on his turtleneck as the wind blew across his face. It was still cold out, even if the snow had been long gone. He needed an answer, and he needed it tonight.

Temari threw her pen down with a frustrated yell. She was going to get nowhere with this work. Nowhere! Pushing her desk chair back angrily, she went to go answer the door, because she knew that neither of her brothers were home. Like they ever were anymore. Gaara was finally getting back to school, at least. Kankuro was hopeless. Fucking hopeless. Running a hand through her hair absently, she threw open the heavy front door to their house and blinked.

"We need to talk..." he said making his way in. Taking off his coat he put it on the coat rack, showing the dark green ribbed turtleneck underneath.


Temari took a step back, blinking slowly as Shikamaru pushed his way past her. "Yeah, come on in," she mumbled, suddenly feeling put off by his attitude. This wasn't going to be a nice visit.

"What is this?" he said motioning a hand between the two of them.

Temari looked down at the ground, then back up to him. "About four feet?"

He grumbled and rolled his eyes. "Us....Temari....us..."

She raised an eyebrow. "Should I be scared to ask you to elaborate?"

He shook his head, breathing out with a deep sigh. "This friends shit...." he said shaking his head again, long strands of his hair falling in front of his blue eyes.

She glanced at him. "Uh...huh."

"Do you feel nothing? Cause shit Temari....you still haunt me...." he said his bottom lip pouting slightly. He didn't really know what he was saying or doing, he was just acting irrationally. He needed to know. This grey area they were in was too cold, too frustrating, too cloudy.

Temari blinked, face paling. "Uh..." Did he really just ask her that? What the hell was he saying? Was he actually serious. Shit, don't be doing this. Don't do this. Shit shit shit.

He walked up closer to her, his keys jingling against the chain on his beltloop. He now stood just inches from her, eyes looking to her serious. Dark and looming even though they shone of blue.

Temari took a step back, even as she spoke. "Back off, Shikamaru. Okay? What the fuck are you trying to say here?"

"I need to know. I can try for so long...just...." he sighed. His stomach was in knots. He felt like his heart would beat out of his chest. This felt so awkward, like asking a girl out for the first time. "Kiss me," he said seriously.

"What?" she shot out, and her voice sounded like it belonged to a screeching twelve-year-old. "Why? No!"

"Kiss me one last time. If you don't feel anything...I'll leave you alone. One condition..." he said, voice confident and shakey all at the same time. "Tell me the truth."

Temari expelled a heavy breath, glancing at him. "You're serious," she said, voice calm.

"Yes" he said in a low booming voice.

"Why?" she asked, trying to control the quiver in her voice.

"Because damn it Temari...." he shook his head, looking off to the side. "I still get that feeling you know? When you're around. We still get these damn awkward moments. I know you feel something. Either that or I'm lying to myself. I need an answer....straight up and honest. Prove to me..."

She scoffed, crossing her arms against her chest, a sure sign that she was getting defensive. "Why do I have to prove anything to you? Why can't you just take things for what they are? Why do you always have to make things so damn difficult?"

"Why are you bending the subject? Why is it so hard to do. It's simple. Kiss me, and if you feel nothing...you have nothing to lose. It's not that damn difficult."

"Maybe I don't want to!" she snapped back. "Maybe because the last time you kissed me I--I wanted to punch you! Things just don't work because you want them to!"

"I'm not leaving here until this is over. It's not such a big deal if it's nothing. Damn it Temari...." he said his voice wavering at the end.

"You can't just march into my home and demand that I kiss you!" she yelled, pointing to the front door. "Leave!"

"No," he said sternly.

"Goddamnit!" she cursed, stomping her foot on the hardwood. She ignored the stinging that moved up into her ankle, realizing too late that she'd stepped down on it wrong. "Leave!"

He crossed his arms over his chest. "Why are you fighting this so hard?"

"This is a stupid idea and I'm not falling for it!"

He stepped closer again, uncrossing his arms.

Temari stepped back for every step he took toward her. "If you don't leave, I'm calling Gaara down."

"Gaara's not here...."

"How the hell would you know?!"

"He's never here...." he said stepping closer again.

"He's been sick. How the fuck would you know? It's not like you've been around lately," she spat out, hoping if she were mean enough, he would turn tail and leave. It didn't look like it was working, and she was being backed into a corner.

He reaced out, his hand gently touching her arm, as he closed the gap between them. He let out a calming breath as he leaned his head down. His lips warm and inviting. "Just kiss me...." he said whispering, eyes half closing.

She pulled her arm back as if his touch was made of fire, but her palm smacked into the wall behind her. She turned her head, a wild, caged look in her eye, to find that he'd backed her up against it. She turned back, stare snapping from his mouth to his eyes, blue like hers. "No," she argued again, but her argument was losing wind. Her voice was quiet. She sounded like she was giving up.

He leaned in closer, placing his hand against the wall over her shoulder. His breath now tickled the skin of her cheek as he whispered again. "If it's nothing, it's not so hard to do....."

"Stop it," she told him, her voice uncharacteristically quiet, her nails making a scraping noise against the wallpaper and she curled her open hands against it.

He finally took her lips in his, in one sweeping motion. Both hands now against the wall, trying to grasp for something that wasn't there.

Temari squeaked, the back of her head hitting the wall as she tried to pull away, willing herself not to kiss back. Her hand instincitvely moved up behind her head, trying to soothe the mild injury she'd just given herself. Shit, was this seriously happening again? Were they really doing this?

He grumbled, his brows furrowing. Why was she being so difficult. It was simple. Kiss back then tell him. That's all he wanted. He grumbled again low in his throat as he leaned in again.

Fine. Fine, if this was what he wanted, she'd give it to him. Then she'd tell him to get the fuck out of her house and she could go on with her life. Her frustrated, boring, emotionally and sexually deprived...and then she realized she'd been kissing him back, fiercely, her teeth grazing his lower lip as she took it into her mouth.

His fingers crunched up against the wall, shivering as she grazed accross his lower lip. He kissed her hotter, heavier, his tounge trailing against her lips.

Pressed flat against the wall like this, she couldn't help but feel a little like a hunted, caged animal. She knew she could fight him off, but the fact that he was looming over her, slightly bigger than her - she wasn't sure what to make of it. She opened her mouth slightly, arching into him, telling herself that this was it. She would give him what he wanted, and then he would leave. No more sleepless nights, waiting, wondering, thinking that maybe, just maybe...no. This would end it.

His tounge dipped in slowley, reaching for hers. He held back a slight moan deep in his throat. He couldn't get enough. His fingers uncurled and flattend on the wall. His body leaned in slightly, coming in closer contact with hers. It made his heart race. Made his skin feel hot.

Her tongue met his and her hands pushed her away from the wall, her body pressed now against him instead of it. Her hands, now feeling neglected, moved over his sweater and up to his face, cupping his jaw on either side, pulling him closer to her.

His tounge played with hers, as it ventured deeper into her mouth when she pulled him in. She tasted sweet, like honey and cinnamon. His one hand moved down to her waist, pulling her hips closer to his, the other hand curling up into a fist still against the wall.

Temari continued to lean into the kiss, her body reacting although the small voice in the back of her mind told her she should stop, tell him to leave, that she wasn't worth it. But this kiss, his body - they were two things that were all familiar to her, and she fell back into that familiar step. Pressing her hips against his, chest rising and falling heavily, heartbeat rising... Her blood felt like it was on fire.

He could feel her heartbeat against his. His breathe hitched each time her tounge rolled over with his, or when she nipped at his lower lip. He didn't want to stop, but he reminded himself of what this was. This was a test. He pulled away slightly, his lips leaving hers. He could still feel the tingle of them, and the moistore from her mouth.

Temari fell back against the wall, breathing heavily, eyes dark and glossed over as she stared at a point past Shikamaru's shoulder. What had she let herself get into? What had she done?

He steadied his breathing, his arm around her waist falling to his side. His other hand stayed flattened against the wall. Now was the moment of truth. His heart still beat rapidly as he willed the words to come out of his mouth. "The truth now...." he said in a soft, yet husky voice.

She didn't turn to face him. She couldn't bring herself to do it. She was sure that if she did, she wouldn't be able to do what she needed to. She blinked once, slowly, opening her eyes to the same point past him. "Get out," she said quietly, sounding defeated.

He gulped lightly, his brows creasing. "A straight up answer Temari...." he replied.

"What do you want to hear?" she asked him, her tone sounding almost sad. "Just tell me what you want me to say."

"It's not what I want to hear. It's what you feel...." he said his head now turned down, looking off. "Say the truth. That's it. What do you feel?"

"Nothing," she whispered, hands flat against the wall again, limp at her sides. She looked like a ragdoll on a stand, her hair falling from its tie and falling around her cheeks, flushed from their encounter.

He grumbled at her statement. He didn't believe her. She fell into that kiss too far for it to be nothing. "Either you are lying, or you've really been lacking some action. The truth Temari..."

She looked over at him, eyes like chips of ice. "Am I not the ice queen, Shikamaru? Isn't it me to feel nothing? Isn't that what I'm supposed to say? I am nothing, therefore I feel nothing."

His voice became low and dark, eyes still looking off. "Look at me...." he said now moving up to meet her eyes.

She did the exact opposite of what he requested, turning to face the staircase, instead.

He reached up and pulled her chin to his direction. Not harsh, but not subtle either. "Look at me Temari. Give me the fucking truth," he declared.

"What?" she snapped, jaw set as she stood in his grip, face turned up to him, blue eyes locked on blue eyes. "What am I supposed to say?"

"Say what this says..." he said his voice strained, brows moved up and eyes glazed over as he patted a hand to his heart.

Her teeth clenched, and she swallowed hard. Still glaring at him, not able to read him through false eyes, she spoke. "I still love you," she said, voice strong. Her eyes, however, spoke of another emotion as they began to blur. "But this can't work. I'm sorry."

He breathed in, keeping his cool to not loose it. His hand still on her chin, he leaned his forehead against hers eyes still locked. His voice came out in a waver, for his throat felt tight. "The reason?" he said dropping his hand from her chin.

She drew in a deep breath, closing her eyes as she turned away from him. "I don't deserve it," she said, her voice quiet, strained from unshed tears. "I need it...I want it. I just need to be worth it."

He closed his eyes, only to betray himself by sheding tears. He kissed her lightly on the forhead before stepping away. "You are worth it..." he said, feeling as if his breath would give out at any moment.

Temari raised her hands to her face, sobbing quietly. She couldn't do this. She couldn't believe she was doing this, not with him here. Breaking down in front of him like this. She'd lost control. She'd lost herself. All the voices who had spoken against her before now taunted her in her mind, and she knew they were right. She didn't deserve anything more. She shook her head, her sobs getting louder.

He stepped away more, his heart breaking with each move. He wanted to reach out. To tell her that he wouldn't leave. Yet, here he was stepping down and heading out the door. If he moved forward arms out, she would push him away. He felt like the world was crashing, and this time he couldn't do anything two stop it. He nodded, tears still making thier way down his face. "This is what you want?" he said more as a statement than a question, still nodding and paused in his steps.

"You got what you wanted," she said, not answering his question either way. Her voice sounded thick and foreign to her, and eyes burned behind her hands, tracks run down her face by her tears.

There was nothing left for him to say. He picked up his coat putting it on and opened the door. He paused in the doorway. "Goodbye Temari" he whispered. He headed to his car and shut the door. Looking over to the passenger seat he saw a ragged pack of cigarettes. He pulled one out and stuck it in his mouth. Lifting a shakey hand he opened the ligher to lite it. No amount of smoking or any other bad habit could lift the pain he felt right now. He would have to be a man and ride it out.

Hearing the door shut, Temari allowed herself to slide down the wall, curling up against it and sobbing loudly, shoulders shaking as she cried. She tilted her head back, staring at the intricate moulding work in the ceiling, wondering if she'd ever get through this.




/What do you have to say now Chouji? Is it all going to work? I fucked up and it was just a slap in the face./


A friend is all it can be...but for now....I will leave you alone. Maybe one day you will find what you are looking for.

It's going to rain tonight, the clouds are dark...